There I was sitting in my doctor’s office struggling with the choice of leaving a job that was slowly robbing me of my heart and soul and starting my own business. My doctor tells me that I’m being ambivalent and that I need to figure out what it is I want. With that, she declared me unfit to return to return to work, and I took the next couple of months to deal with the stress and depression associated with working in an organization that did not align with my values.
Okay, the first thing I needed to understand was the meaning of the word “ambivalent.” So what does it mean, well ambivalent means “uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by an inability to make a choice.” (Websters Online)
There were people around me that could see that I was struggling with a decision. I knew I was not happy at work so I would apply for jobs, jobs that I knew I had no hope of getting so I could say that I tried. I explored the option of creating my own business; however, I could not quite commit to the startup. One I didn’t quite know where and two I had that little voice in my head telling me that this was a big leap and how do I pay the bills?
What is it stopping me from making a decision more than that what is preventing so many of us from making those decisions? It is not just our work situations it is other situations that are keeping us from making decisions. Staying in a relationship that is not working, avoiding family members that seem to try to keep us down or failing to take charge of our health.
I considered myself a failure. Here I was working in the non-profit world for an organization I felt was stuck itself. I had left a marginally enjoyable job with the City of Winnipeg, again a place where I stayed far too long for the same reason. When I did go, I was in my fifty’s. I spent three more years with this non-profit and then at fifty-six I was out the door.
Starting your own business; again I struggled with the choice. What do I do, am I qualified and who will listen to me. Should I look for a job or should I pursue this endeavour? I would get up in the morning and not know what decision to make pushing paper around on my desk or just talking about it to people.
When I couldn’t make the proper decision, wasting my entire day, I would criticize myself for not being strong enough to make a decision. I locked myself into an internal dialogue loop telling me that I was not good enough or not talented enough. Does this sound familiar to you?
Looking for motivation to decide on my future. Well isn’t that just the most ridiculous thing in the world. I’m waiting for inspiration to decide what to do about working for this organization or starting my own business. Mel Robbins, in one of her TEDx Talk, tells us that motivation is garbage. Tell me more Mel. If you are waiting for motivation or a sign, it will never happen.
In her book, “The 5 Second Rule” Mel Robins suggests that instead of waiting for motivation set an intention and act on it. Countdown from 5 to 1 and then do it without hesitation. Mel Robbins explains this inspiration came to her while watching a NASA launch. The launch is a countdown, 5, 4, 3, 2, one lift off!
Make that commitment to yourself. I’m going to do that. By the way, this is how I managed to write this article. Just do it. I have posted a link to Mel Robbin’s website for additional information.